On Fatherhood ~ Essay

Fatherhood?

I think I am a good dad.

I do my best to keep that perfect balance of tickles and discipline. The evenness of "clean your room & go outside and get dirty". The symmetry of “eat your veggies & one more piece of candy." The counterbalance of "if you do this then you can go do that."

This blog that you are reading today is nothing more than a love letter to my daughter. This blog, all 1,814 posts, is me.  It's my thoughts, hopes, desires, my worldview...it's what I learned and it holds the questions about what I wish to know. It's an archive of all the stuff that I have created.  It's filled with lists of book that I read and music that I have listened to, and with all that said...it's only purpose is for my daughter to know who her Father was.  To know who I am becoming.  Maybe to understand a little more about herself.

My current project is a collaboration with Erik Vecere, which is a short film on Fatherhood. Erik works for National Fatherhood Initiative.  "Initiative." Interesting word.  A non-profit company dedicated to helping Fathers become better Fathers.  Who knew that an organization for helping dads existed??  Things they don’t tell you when a newborn baby is placed in your arms.  In case of emergency go here...do go there. Lots of interesting stuff. www.fatherhood.org

 At the end of our film Erik said the words "A unique, irreplaceable role, and that's Fatherhood."

That sentence struck a chord with me, resonated deeply. I haven't been able to shake the question "Am I good at being a Dad?"

The opening paragraph above is me rambling about the greatness of the father that I am. Beware, I also feel that I am extremely good looking and even more talented than my good looks. Read on to see how well an ego like mine can father a child.

To give you engaged reader some context: I am 44yrs old and as I write this in three days my daughter will turn eight. Eight years into the journey of parenting a child seems like a good time to be evaluated.

Evaluation. Let's start there.  Who gets to evaluate my Fathering skills? My wife, Grandparents, community, CYS, God, my daughter, myself. Answer is....my spouse first and coming in a close second place is a tie between God and myself.  I am not afraid to go one-on-one with God.  God doesn’t gives hugs, I do.

I do not do drugs, haven't been to jail, I go easy on the swears and I have never beaten her.  Give myself a big check for doing the minimum; keeping myself out of Hell and bragging about the obvious.

This is a good time to go back and re-read that sentence about my ego.  We have read books, climbed trees, walked in the woods, roughhoused to the point of having her Mother yell at us to stop making all that noise (countless times), mastered the monkey bars, learned how to swim, shared quiet meals together. We hold hands, snuggle, rub noses like Eskimos, held long interesting talks at bedtime about the meaning of life (honestly I think that she's just doing her best to stay up longer).

Is all of that also just the minimum? In a Homer Simpson world of fat dads in sitcoms what is a good Father?

Yes, I know that there is no simple answer and yes I know that the simple answer is: asking yourself the question in the first place must mean I am moving in the right direction. Yes, I know that Fatherhood is a journey, not a destination.  With all that said then why bother evaluating myself or writing on?

Zen proverbs "before enlightenment chop wood after enlightenment chop wood." That's my "why". Let's carry on.


I am present, I am occupied by life, hell I am even occupied by laziness and TV. I will share everything with her, I will give up my life for her but I am sure to eat the last piece of pizza. I will watch her sleep at night.  Her tiny little chest rises and falls with each breath she takes.  That experience alone is all the proof for God's existence that I will ever need.  No matter how crazy a kid can kill your last never (and even your will to live) watching your baby sleep magically evaporates all the anguishes away, giving you the much need life-juice to get up in the morning and do it all again.


I come from good Fatherhood-stock.  My Father and Grandfather are good men, husbands and dads. They are from a different time and a different culture of what it meant to be a Father. They were providers first, husbands second and fathers third.  In no way did either of these men fall short.  It was how culture dictated the importance of Fatherhood.  In today's world, us Dads are doing it all (or at least doing our best to catch up to our Wives who are really doing it all).

To be a good Father, does that mean I must put myself third?

For me, yes it does. Not in a self-sacrificing way; remember I will eat that last slice of pizza, every time. In my heart, my family's happiness comes first.  To watch my daughter and my wife live life to there fullest, that is my first place.  Before anybody wants to Saint me read on (Note: this is written specifically to my wife.  I have said the words "dream big and do the work" over and over but also remember that I am extremely cheap, seriously frugal, opening the wallet is hard for me, so to you I say “dream big but please goes easy on the dollars”.)

Multiple purpose parenting: Who knew it was possible?

I have come to discover that I can cut the grass, cook a meal and then put ponytails into my daughter's hair. Honestly I am not very good at ponytails, dinners or even picking out clothes that match, but, hey...she made it to eight. She can pick out her own clothes from now on.

As of late I find myself with other Fathers having conversations on this topic. Gone are the days of football and hot wings. Today we sip coffee and talk about the joys and insecurities of being a dad. I guess I would have to say this is a good starting point if you are asking yourself if you are a good Dad.

As I finish typing this, my daughter sits downstairs in front of the TV alone eating dinner. That happens at times. Remembering the words "A unique, irreplaceable role, and that's Fatherhood." I get up from my chair and go downstairs. Vecere’s word still resonate deep within me.

For me, I think I need to go chop more wood, enlightenment can wait.

Yesterday

Up at 7am after going to bed six hours earlier, feeling good. Proof of God for me is found in a coffee pot. Simple revelation but nonetheless true.

Cold morning walk thought the streets of PGH on my way to a PHOTO WALK. I love these gray skies of Pittsburgh; this city becomes more alive to me everyday. Autumn in this city is brilliant. The colors of fall backlight this town with a glow that is noticeable by walking across the bridges, tree lined hillsides, reflections on the rivers and the urban jungle energy that's all-encompassing to this place.

Started reading a book by a local author, Sherrie Flick “Reconsidering Happiness”, enjoying it…it has a female Kerouac feel to it. This book has description, emotion and a journey to it; it leaves me wanting to travel and to experience small town dinners and tuna fish on wheat bread.

Murakami Tribute (of sorts)

Sunday afternoon, finished reading “Norwegian Wood” by Murakami. This was the last novel of his that I had yet to read. I enjoyed it. Four years ago I was handed “Kafka on the Shore” from a friend of mine that suggested I read this strange piece of fiction. I liked it too. I read the novel over the Christmas holiday, which, at the same time, I happened to be sick. Sitting alone when the rest of the world was celebrating the holiday I read Murakami. I became a fan.

Nowadays I wait for the next work of his to be published. I feel like a Murakami character myself, longing in a quiet existence for the new work to be released.

Prepared a pot of black tea, ate almonds and apple slices waiting for my daughter to wake up. Felt like listening to some music…turned on the ipod, Miles Davis “Kind of Blue”, the phone rang.

Becoming “Indifferent To”

Becoming “indifferent to” without the labor of study - In a life of limitless choices becoming “indifferent to” is a daunting task to avoid without the passion of practice and study. What I love about being a working artist is the work, not the end product.

The function, flow and wakening energy of creating something new is an addiction for most artists. When your art/skill/practice becomes your mistress, a culture of generosity can coexist with the ethics of profit (a.k.a. – making money by doing something you love.) It’s a point of ecstasy and a different reality when you enter this creative point of fulfillment.

Society values consumerism as a substitute for the creative process. It is easy to become “indifferent to” the whatnots that make up our lives. Understanding art, food, education, health and exercise has lost the resonance that drove our culture forward.

To Know My Space

Bold dark coffee, re-mixed acoustic music, a fresh fire-roasted tomato and egg sandwich served on a whole wheat pita and my day begins.

Standing to my left working behind the counter are fiercely artistic independent employees of this local bistro. Like the type of employees that Starbucks used to hire before they became the McDee’s of coffee. Remember them? People with piercing tattoos, cultures of style, their own genre of music and demarcated values, which would shape the next generation of autonomous thought. I sit alone, sip my coffee, and write in my journal, take a bite of my breakfast. I feel inspired from this atmosphere.

This environment in which I sit is what life needs more of. Life, a simple concept, local economy set within local environment. In the truest definition of the word economy: management of one’s household. That is what this bistro represents. A connection to the life that is local to our own humanity.

This blog is read by a global audience (which I ‘m thankful for) but I often wonder how many people in a ten mile radius of where I write will read this rant?

To live a life which a person gets to experience the space of their own, not living a virtual hyper-linking existence. Economy of household, food from local soil, community of culture…this is what I want to become familiar with. To live within the ten mile radius from which I write this. To no longer just transport myself from edge to edge of this city, but to be within society of these ten miles.

To know my space, a simple concept – wisdom is bliss, ignorance is suffering.

Music, Mind & Mosquito Food

Sat outside today at lunch reading a book about how music and the mind work. It is most likely the last time this year that I will get to sit outside and read. I love Indian Summer in Pittsburgh. This is probably the tenth book I have read about music and mind connection. It’s a topic that I wonder why I even read about? Music is a beautiful mystery within itself. Why pursue the answer? The world has already lost enough mystery.

Why do humans create art? Because we cannot stop it from happening. This is what separates us from the rest of earth’s inhabitants. All life can do what we do, which is to survive. Gary Snyder wrote something to the extent that said, “humans were created to entertain the rest of nature”. Speaking solely as mosquito food: that seems to make sense.

Classical photography of autumn

Autumn for photographers is akin to playoffs in football. The energy level is high and expectations are immense. Fly fishing is a truer analogy; the process can be much more rewarding than the catch of the day.

For the past couple of years I have not placed much effort into autumn photography. I have an enthusiasm for nature photography but haven’t placed focus into it because it has been typical/traditional photography that I have been purposely shying away from.

Ambient and city night photography have fulfilled my project catalog for the last two years. This autumn I am going back to basics; classical photography of autumn. The hurdle is time, October is booked up. Hopefully I will get my butt out of bed early a couple of mornings and make my way into the wilderness. In November time frees up and I am thinking about doing some deep forest photography of autumn.

Inevitably, you find a stream or mountaintop combined with colorful tree tops and shoot. My perspective is going to be “deep forest stillness within the light”. That will be the working title going into this new project.

Ebb and flow, maybe I’ll shoot in black and white? That’s classical.

ON GOD AND FINE ART

Check out the podcast over at POLYSEMY

Dan Allison and Matthew Dallman discuss how “God” relates to making works of art.

Here is my perspective:

That is easy to answer. It gave me a place to steal a whole bunch of ideas from, plus no copyright infringements to worry about. The only quandary I had was in breaking commandment number eight; thou shalt not steal, but is pilfering ideas from sacred text really stealing?

The book of Genesis and the book of Revelations from the King James Bible are single handily the two most influential works I have ever read, re-read, and contemplated some more. The importance of their teachings and morals were lost on me for the most part in my youth. These two books were akin to Star Wars and the Beatles for inspiration. I recognized how current cultures (movies, TV, music) were right out of these books. These books are the pillars of western composition.

The study of God is the study of the ancient and the future at the same time. The artist in me needs these works for purpose in what I am doing.

Coffee to Insourcing

Coffee, I love coffee, I love coffee shops and I love the cultures of the coffee shop. Coffee shops represent the art of learning how to slow down while waiting for the caffeine to kick in. Life happens when coffee percolates and permeates into the clientele, in coffee shops the patrons are lovingly referred to as the “regulars”. Coffee shops are conscious of the importance of their ambiance. Wall color, lighting scheme, music, furniture all encompasses the flow and function of how the customer’s time in the coffee shop will be spent. Oh the smell, the aroma of aesthetics that coffee symbolizes.

My personal favorite coffee shop has a minimalist feel to it which is set in a large retail space. Coffee shops are typically smaller establishments, giving the patron the feel of comfort. This coffee shop places chalkboards on the walls so the customers, the “regulars”, can have impromptu meetings. The coffee shop owner has probably just come up with some marketing genius move of in-sourcing your in-crowd.

Something Great

Been feeling uninspired lately: Historically that means I am about to do something great. “Great”, meaning that I dig the new work and new direction. Now I sit and wait for the brilliance. Writer’s block, photographer’s block, guitar player’s block are things that I do not experience too often. I practice everything-everyday a lot. It’s my creative spring. I figure if I play guitar everyday, write a page a day, and complete two to three photo sessions a week, I will generate something pleasant to look at, listen to or read.

As of writing this, the greatness of something new hasn’t happened. I hope for all of us that this piece of writing isn’t the great stuff. If it is thanks for reading… it’s been nice having the company. Hopefully this is just a fluffy nonsensical piece to get me to the good stuff. Played some funky guitar music for my daughter yesterday morning, hope I can remember it next time I pick up the guitar. She danced to it, must’ve been ok. I want a Lute, that instrument that Sting made trendy. Trendy to those who are currently uninspired and are easily influenced by Sting, that would be me. In times of creative drought I like to buy things, actually I just like to internet shop and never purchase the item. The idea that you have to buy something to get that photo, sound or creative impulse is an abomination of all I hold sacred.

Ate lunch outside today, sat under an oak tree. That seems to be creative nature in itself. Wrote in my journal, listened to the birds of Pittsburgh flutter in the trees and daydream about….

Thinks I just got my inspiration… gotta go….

Solitude

During conception, in the womb, and through the first years of life we are always accompanied with companionship. Even in dreams we are guided by some force or narrative. It is not our nature to be alone. Why do I crave solitude? The economy of space and silence within my own understanding is the immersion of liberation that haunts me. Caustic pain of seclusion, it’s my lure, it’s my mistress. A palette of time, observation and study of myself, my environment is considered necessary. People are noise, I need quiet to grow.

11:02pm: rice timer beeps, lunch for tomorrow. Last hint of headache lingers in my temples; my tongue is dry, rice smells sweet. My wife and daughter sleep. Is this solitude?

Notes from the Road to Recovery

No mediation or yoga for days now, body not as stiff as I thought it would become. Mind clearer than I would have guessed it to be.

Vicodin, moments of stillness, hearing my own breath, cravings for scotch, motion all around me, quiet in my head, piano music plays in the background.

Sunday 9am woken by a crying baby, headache, and day five of recovery from sinus surgery. Toast, eggs and coffee prepared by Elizabeth for me. Life for her must be trying, I always seem to be sick – I am sorry for that. My daughter sits on my lap and eats my eggs. I’m thankful for the time spent with her.

Children, life and time seem to be equations meant for failure. If you spend too much time with your child, then as a provider for your family you will fail. If you spend too much time away from your family providing from them than as a Father you will fail your child. Balance with self-expectation; no clue how to answer that?

Watched the “The Darjeeling Limited” today. Good existentialism film. Not much of beginning-middle-end plot line, nonetheless I enjoyed it. Been reading “Gardening at the Dragon’s Gate” by Wendy Johnson. It’s a lovely memoir on soil, composting, and Zen. I am reading about dirt and enjoying it, could be a sign of old age?

Left over pizza and apple slices for dinner. Want to go for a walk, should sleep.

Journal

Have you ever noticed how un-strange it seems when an unfamiliar person sees that you are reading the same book that they just read? It‘s natural, no hesitation of approach, instead there is friendship, instead there is conversation. This is opposed to how foreign it feels when a stranger moves toward you for any other reason…they need directions, to know the time of day or whatnot. Observations are a fun part of life, no point needed.

I have been feeling disconnected from a couple of friends because of their dysfunction and my judgments. I will leave it to the psyche and shadow people to figure out if I am a walking contradiction or just no longer numb to the abusers that society surrounds me with.

Two o’clock in the afternoon, eating lunch outside and reading a book: rice and vegetables and keeping company with Dance, Dance, Dance by Murakami and enjoying both a lot. Pittsburgh weather has always been akin to late night TV to me, predictable but not enjoyable. The sun’s heat moves from bright and warming to cloud-covered skies with cold breezes all within the same sixty seconds. Sun glare to diffused vision all on the same page, odd reading experience. The wind is fragrant with late spring flowers at the end of their budding season. Three bees buzz by my left knee, they leave me alone, good. Tiny white flowers or leaves, not sure which, dance through the air and land in my lunch and on the page I’m reading. Sort of fun to watch, sort of.

Hybrid Car Shopping

Started hybrid car shopping last week, e-mailed two different dealerships for trade-in and pricing information expecting to get bombarded with phone calls and e-mails. Sent the e-mails out this past Friday morning check my e-mail first thing today, nothing.

Not sure if this is a good thing or bad thing that the dealership are so busy? I am glad for the environment and that people are making economical and ethical purchase and worrier for my bank account. Capitalism conjoined with demand brings out the devil in “most” (not all) corporations.

Natural depth of field - Music

I have been struggling lately with how much I dislike over-produced music. Genuineness of current music seems to be a flat layered sound where emotions and rhythms are now replaced with an automated sequence of downloadable beats and generative sounds.

Natural depth of field adds character to music. Silence, space and acoustics of the room bring out the natural depth of field in musicians, instruments, rooms and most importantly the authenticity of the music.

Again, I am all for keeping one foot rooted in the ancient and one foot rooted in the future when it comes to advancements of the fine arts skills. Music needs to be found in vibration before it digitized.

See: Natural Depth of Field – Photography (here)

Natural Depth of Field

The phrase “natural depth of field” has been stuck in my mind lately. Primarily it’s a term that is used by photographers to define what’s in or out of focus. I feel it fits in well when applied to music, writing and painting. (I will write more about that later) Understanding “natural depth of field” is rooting yourself in a classical approach to your work. It is placing a perceptive of focus, motion, stillness and life into your work. It’s the fundamentals.

After Googling the term “natural depth of field”, what I found was a disappointing state of current fine art. Merely tips for Photoshop, Paint Shop, computer plug-ins and filters that were on the first page of Google. There was nothing in Google about in-camera work, light, selective focus, composition or the relationship to the rule of thirds. No matter what is done after-capture it is not “natural depth of field”. Reproduced, re-worked or re-created is not natural and it is not a fine art skill.

I am all for keeping one foot rooted in the classical approach and one foot rooted in the future. Teaching this approach to “natural depth of field” would be akin to teaching spell checker before learning how to spell.

What have I learned?

I have been trying to take a media break from the ongoing of the world. I purposely haven't written (ranted) anything here for the last two weeks due to the fact that I have been limiting my time from the internet. I need more life-less news. What have I learned?

First: I do not play the guitar to play music. I play music on the guitar.
Second: I do not use the camera to take pictures: I photograph within the mind and capture within the camera.
Third: Try not to take from the Earth, rather take what the Earth gives you.

Three Days Off

Three days off and not much accomplished.  I spent the better part of the last three days waiting on other people to tell me what to do.  One, my wife, whose wishes I must respect.  Two, customer service attendants at Ikea, whose lack of interest in me I must accept (If I whish to purchase a new kitchen table and chairs and I do).  Third, my own self-righteous mindset that I must tolerate.  Too hard to explain, just trust me I can be a wrench of person when I am bored.

Good things from these past three days.  Downloaded the new Stuart Davis CD, “Something Simple”, definitely four stars. Caught baseball with my nephew, that was a lot of fun.

I had an epiphany of an idea while catching baseball.  Conversation while catching baseball could solve the entire world’s problems.  If you want to understand somebody else’s point of view catch baseball with that person.  Stay with me here: imagine watching the next presidential debate between Hillary and Obama, all the while they are catching ball and discussing the future of our country.  People cannot lie when catching baseball.  Not sure if truth-telling applies to all ball tossing or just baseball.  You can definitely lie when kicking a soccer ball or shooting a puck, never trust a hockey player especially if that hockey player is from Australia.

Broke out all the new camera gear.  I had a box full of new equipment sitting in our office for the last two weeks.  Just opened it this past Saturday.   Not sure if that’s a good thing or not that new equipment no longer gets me excited?  I feel more like I am keeping up with the “Digital Jones” than actually buying equipment that will improve the quality of my work.

“Digital Jones”, isn’t that a Stuart Davis song? 

Ani Difranco Sound Check

Sunday afternoon my wife and I were privileged to be invited to the Ani Difranco Soundcheck Party, courtesy of our local independent radio station WYEP. Thank you WYEP. You make supporting local radio a pleasure.

Difranco’s songs are authentic, sincere and sung with a poet’s heart. The both of us, and about fourteen other lucky people, were treated to six Difranco songs. Three of the songs have not yet been released (genuine indulgence, thank you). Ani is a fan of using alternative tuning for her guitars, hence why six songs for soundcheck.

Difranco has a pure laugh that could be heard between songs throughout the rehearsal. Smiles, dancing feet and exuberant energy is what she brought to the stage even during soundcheck.

After soundcheck Difranco did a quick meet and greet with us. Just long enough to say ‘hi’ and for us to get a glimpse of that friendly and open face.

PS-For all you Pittsburgh readers out there, the concert was held at Carnegie Library of Homestead. Great sound acoustics, large enough to attract major artists but not too big to get lost.

P.S.S. Photo not taken by me: Photo courtesy of Google images

Lifestyle Design

Last night my wife and I were talking about lifestyle design (inspired by the book by Tim Ferriss “The Four Hour Work Week”). What do we want our future to hold and how will we get there?

My wife wants to travel more, a lot more. Being photographers this is a very achievable goal, pick a city, spend some money on advertising and book some jobs. Voila, long extended working vacation. If you have a Tuscany villa that you will be renting out in the summer of ‘09 call us. Clean underwear, camera, laptop, tripod, blackberry, plane tickets and we’re off. (P.S a clean place for the baby to sleep would be nice but not mandatory.)

For me the dream goal didn’t come so quickly. Let me tell you how taken aback I was to find my mind blank. I am completely satisfied, blessed or dull. After some contemplation and embarrassment all I could of think of would be to climb a mountain and do extended meditations retreat. At least now we know that I am “dull”. That is it. What a life, a dull existence sitting quietly on a mat with dreams of the mountaintops on the exhale breath. In truth it’s not a bad dream at all. That would completely satisfy the dull. Which I am, epiphany break-through by journaling, I said silently in my head.