Meditation on Waiting ~ Short Story

Not sure why I need to write this down.  This is the third lifetime I have shared this.

I clasp my wings, put on socks and go back into the world. Maybe this time it will do some good.

By my account, 18,250 days wasted from waiting around for things to change.

You are timelessness stuck in time.
You are consciousness waiting to re-awake.
You are complaining, bragging and avoiding life at all times.

The problem with waiting is all the time wasted.  Nothing good has come from all this waiting. A wasted life of “what if”’ and “could-have-beens” is all that remains. A mind filled up with non-memories, non-dreams and a constant echo. Days pass by and nothing happens but the waiting…days are filled up with sitting on the sofa, then moving outside to watch the grass grow, counting the leaves on the trees.

I flush the toilet, wash my hands. Antibacterial soap…I can never remember if I should stop using it. Does it kill too much of the good stuff? I dry my hands with a white cotton towel.

Mixed blessings of truths and tasks that you must wait for the end. You must wait for the light to grow dark so it can then once again transform back into light.  This process must be repeated till eternity. Every being gets the opportunity to hold the understanding that we are trapped in a box named “reality”.

Keep your faith. Question your beliefs.  This alone will save you from the transmigration.

There is no salvation in the waiting. There is no solitude found in the waiting.  What is left is only the question. The same answer running across the brain waves. Thoughts dissolve into heartbeats. Heartbeats are transformed into a curse. You become afflicted with the remainder of the time left to wait.

The Beatles, White album. This will do. I slide the vinyl record out of its sleeve. I place the needle in the black groove and I listen. Lennon got it right. That’s why he was shot. Deep loss for all. McCartney came close, Harrison eventually got it right. Ringo, drummer died on his own vomit.

I practice the “Waiting”. I will sit on a meditation cushion for 25mins, bell to bell, waiting, breathing, repeating, sitting in nothingness. I get off the mat. I want a drink, not water to quench my thirst but bourbon to numb the mind.  Mindfulness is a tool to be a better cog in the wheel, to become better at being this thing called human.

I chop vegetables, I focus. I wash the dishes, I focus. I brush my teeth, I focus. This is how I fill the empty space. Mindfulness is a needed trick to waste time.

I have always been fascinated with how society deals with the waiting. The world is at all times falling apart and at all times healing itself, growing anew. Rebuilding constantly arising as if there are twin Gods of creation and deconstruction at work.

The Beatles White album, side three, not very good for what most people consider to be their masterpiece.  Side one, “Dear Prudence”...it makes coming back here worth it.

Life is spent being mildly interested in what is going on around you.  At all times thinking that they have the problem, it's never “I”. The problem "they” have is that…”they” have to watch my suffering, my suffering is greater than yours.  Suffering is not a contest. Comprehending suffering is a pursuit. This lesson is never learned. That suffering is akin to love. No matter how great or horrible, it's all equal. The suffering of a child born into starvation is no greater than the suffering of a child born into privilege. Suffering is an experiential exercise in the “waiting”.

Grace = Luck…Luck is grace, take notice.

There are many different ways someone can commit suicide, but the act of leaving one's own body seems to be the only act of suicide that society cares about.

The suicide in waiting is the greatest sin...to be alive is a gift that is created specifically for you.

To sit and waste a life to complain about the whatnot’s and the don’t-haves is worse than if you nailed Jesus to the cross yourself. Living suicide, that is a form of torture that causes the waiting to happen for lifetimes to come.

Give me a good narcissist that is a person who enjoys life. Narcissists...they see light.

You would think that I would miss sitting in the clouds…watching and listening. The life in the soil is so much more enjoyable.  The soil is in constant movement. The soil never waits.

Consciousness, awakening, Christ, Buddha: call it whatever you like.  I call it the WAITING.

Until next time…..

Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da



Current Reading: The Spooky Art by Norman Mailer

                                The Big Empty by Norman Mailer
Current Music: Lazaretto by Jack White
                           Beauty & Ruin by Bob Mould
Mood: Ready to go
Smells: Coffee
Sounds: Love
Temperature: 71 degrees 
Thoughts: Waiting & Wanting = Wasted Life


Wisdom of Food ~ Short Film

This film is #5 in my "Soul Scrubbing Series."  The wisdom of food, a return to yourself.

As with all the film in this series the film is best enjoyed in full screen with the outside world turn off. If this film resonates with you then please share it with the people in your life who need to hear this message.


Life with Disease & Other Random Stuff

“No matter how far you my dig into the the depths of your soul, eventually you will come out an asshole” -Norman Mailer

This is a good starting point to what I am about to share with you.

I live with a disease. Most of you reading this most likely know this about me. My feelings about life with a disease can be summed up in two words: nothing special.

We live in the age of compromise where we all carry the weight of diseases. It is nothing special; honestly it's akin to a time when making it through the winter was a hit or miss experience.

Every generation carries the sins-of-life. Our generation has disease.

Your disease may be self-inflicted, you may have smoked and cheeseburger-ed your way to disease or maybe the air and water carried the disease into your bloodstream.

Disease is the product of the past fifty years.  Corporations have been built as temples to the grandeur of illness. Disease is economics. Get a disease someone will profit from it. Someone will dedicate their life to the study of that disease. Someone will give up and sit on the sofa waiting for death to come.

What can a disease teach us about us? It is an "us", it's not a "you" or "I". It's not even a "we"; it's an “us.” Disease is now a social thing. There are clubs, groups, organizations, companies, schools, restaurants, chat rooms, social media sites, tour groups, cruises and vacation destinations all built to serve the ill.  Disease is an industry. That may seem too hard to accept, nonetheless it seems to be truth. Can you argue my point? How many jobs would be lost if disease went away?

Want to dip your toes into the cosmic quagmire? Google “seed, antibiotic, lobbyist” and see how many companies produce seeds to grow food and the very same company produces the antibiotic to cure the disease that may arise from the seed. Circle of life, circle of cash flow, sins of now.

Life is filled up with simple solutions, this has been my lesson learned. Look for the obvious. Walking and water, breathing and smiling...these have been by far my most favorite solutions.

Recently added to the list (forgive the subtle use of words to come next): if your shit stinks that means you are not well. Eat better food.

Simple solutions. Notice how we will stay away from anything that stinks accept for what we produce. Take the time and notice your bodily waste. The body can cure us if we only listen to it (or in this case smell it). Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's gross, I get it. But do you want to escape a life of disease? Truly we can exit the matrix. At this point, please refer to my opening quote. It has deep meaning on many levels.

Simple solutions arise if we only take the time to notice. If you put things in your body that create stink, it creates disease. If you place foods into your body that create an odorless passing, that creates good health.

When I am a healthy person living with my disease in a state of optimal health I feel like a prophet who will preach to anyone who will listen to the message.  When I am struck down by the disease I feel as if I am a fake; a person who could not live his truth.  Then I came to understand that the word "truth" should be replaced with the word "task".

Let me go off-subject to paint a picture about truth & task.

Replace the "truth of” living your beliefs with the “task of" living your faith. This simple flip of words opens up a new way to think about old ideologies.

"Truth" is someone else's idea on how we should live. But "task"...living with a task can give us purpose to live life with effort.  Having a disease is nothing special but it is important work if you choose to do it well.

With the flip of these words it will help us to create less harm in the world. It will help to teach us to live in this age of compromise. Disease is a product of this age but for those of us that live with a disease, we can not only live in the truth of not slowly dying from our illness but also the the task of showing others how to live with optimal health.  

My task is to help others lead a life filled with health, creativity and simplicity infused with the “heart of a servant” and the “strength of a fighter”.

And that takes practice.

We need to do the work in the soil before we can ever part the clouds.


Working Script ~ Draft 1

(Are you replaceable...disposable...obsolete?) 

We are conditioned to sacrifice ourselves.
We are expected to stand in front of our families; we are told that we need to work or we have no value. Our expendability is expressed in many different ways.

(What if we stopped doing and started being?)
The question is how do we move from being humans-doings-things to simply being a human-being? Your life has been a mix of cultural expectations and biological conditioning.

(What if we stop thinking about how to be a man and started thinking about how to be a human?)

There is the existence of gender roles, but to manifest a full life there must be unequivocal intention to radically transform male thinking.
What if we stopped doing and started being? What if we tuned into the abundance of the universe and just started to allow creation to work through us. Jesus summed this up in the sermon on the mount. He exhorted us to look at the birds in the sky and told us to emulate them. In short he expected us to become human beings.

(Transcending the notion)

Men, especially fathers, have always been considered to be expendable, but this notion must change for the world to be a better place.
Are men expendable? No!

(Are Men Expendable?)

As Einstein has said “we do not solve a problem with the same consciousness that created it.” 


Published ~ Edible Allegheny

You can see photos & read about it (HERE)
You can listen to radio spot about it (HERE)



Current Reading: On God by Norman Mailer
Current Music: Beauty & Ruin By Bob Mould
Mood: Happy
Smells: Coffee
Sounds: Running water
Temperature:63 degrees 
Thoughts: Happiness is the joy we feel when striving for our potential



Its not to often that I post pics of portraits that I do but this one I wanted to share. 
If you want to see more go (here)


You Are Not Broken ~ Short Film

It all started with a conversation that I turn into a blog post.

I received numerous e-mails from people who wanted to agree but felt that they could not, they felt that they were broken.  If this film resonates with you then please share it with the people in your life who need to hear this message.